This is posted unedited from my Blackberry between Istanbul and Chicago.
So what does it all mean? How exactly does a walking trip through Turkey accomplish?How do I feel? What have I become or what do I continue to be?
What if my life just does a rinse repeat recycle? Where is honesty in the whole equation? Where is integrity?
How about the crying when I even think about who I have been. Everything creates turmoil. There are so few really quiet moments. They say that after grieving the healing begins but when does it finish?
What does it take to become whole again? Not to fill the void with the things that
are easy for me to achieve but the really difficult questions. What does it
require to live a transformed life?
I have always wanted to live with huge highs and lows and not to simply exist in
the middle and the last six months have been nothing and everything for that. I
have been happier than I have ever been and cried more times than I can count. I
am even crying right now as I am typing this on hour nine of my transatlantic trip
between Istanbul and Chicago. I think that the Turkish woman sitting next to me
must think that I am mad.
That’s the thing, I am mad and perfectly sane at the same time. I can’t breathe
because I am finally feeling. Holy shit life becomes when you are not looking. No
I did not have any mind altering drugs or world class sex but as this is unraveling
I am finding freedom. This is a journey, I am hating this. My fingers keep typing
even though I can’t see the keyboard.
I have forgotten how much I love to write. I have forgotten how much I love to
love. How much I love to be loved. How even though I was not very good at it as
judged by my divorce I loved being married. I loved every part of it, I loved the
doing, the creating and the belonging. Just not very good at the sharing of those
feelings. How do you apologize for not being as perfect as having had pretended
to be? Is it all marketing, did my money back promise just expire?
I have been a friend. I have been a roommate. I have been a lover. I have been a
husband. I have been a roommate when I should have been a husband. I have been a friend when
I should have been a lover and I have been a husband when she just wanted out.
I have apologized for everything and to almost everyone in my life over the past
6 months, I have seen who I am, who I was and who I want to be. Why does it just
seem so real one day and then like I did not get to say everything that I wanted to
say the next.
I am complete with everyone in my life I have told them how much i love them and
what they mean to me. I end my conversations with I LOVE YOU but is it ever really
enough? I am not today as I once was but is that complete? If I die on this
flight tonight would I know that everyone knows how much I love them? And how
responsible I have been for the hurt that life brings.
No one intends to perpetrate hurt.
Caline I am sorry.